For many years The Onion has kept its newspaper archives in a safe, dry room away from the prying hands of newspaper thieves and foul odors. The editorial board knew that these historical documents would be important one day, and that day is finally here.

We are selling a collection of three hand-picked issues of The Onion sent to you in a beautifully decorated dossier, right to your doorstep. The amount of pleasure these will bring cannot be measured. But if you were to try, it would be “high”.

FEATURES:
• Special Collector's Packaging
• 3 hand-picked copies of vintage Onion newspapers from a vast selection of historic print issues, making each Time Capsule unique

Fine vintage copies of America’s Finest News Source are hard to come by, often because treasure-hungry museums hoard them all. Now a piece of The Onion history can belong to you.  Now a 13-issue collection of hand-picked, 1st print newspapers are available for sale. Seize this moment, and help keep these historical documents out of the Louvre’s greedy paws. 

FEATURES:
• Special Collector's Packaging
• 13 hand-picked copies of vintage Onion newspapers from a vast selection of historic print issues, meaning no two time capsules are the same!

Our limited-edition bundle of Onion-branded matches, rolling papers, and roach clip serves as a polite but firm reminder that all members of your blunt rotation should follow America’s Finest News Source.

Bundle Includes:

• One Sickos Roach Clip

• Serrated teeth to secure grip
  
• PVC rubber for non-slip grip
• Rust and corrosion resistant
• Convenient size

• One Pack Of Premium Rolling Papers

• Secure magnetic closure
• 14 gram unbleached traditional/hemp blend
• 100% natural arabic gum
• Ultra thin/slow burning
• 32 leaves and crutches per booklet
  

• One Box Of Premium Matches

• Match size : 47~48 mm
• White match head
• Approximately 18 sticks per box
• Natural wooden sticks

Finally, a tote bag worthy of inclusion in the Louvre but available for purchase online. This colorful, sturdy bag showcases the many award-winning columnists who have helped make The Onion a household name, each depicted by esteemed cartoonist Stan Kelly. The result is an artistic triumph in which any art or news lover can proudly carry their groceries for years to come.

Are you not getting the respect you think you deserve on the street, at work, or at home? Have you considered a lapel pin that screams “I stay on top of the news that shapes my world”? Wear this magnetic-back Onion logo pin and let the silent admiration begin.

The Onion Logo Ceramic Keychain will prove to be an indispensable addition to all future keyrings. 

Surely you’ve been curious about the Onion’s 20-sided dice. Wondering what it would feel like to hold one, to caress your fingers along the engraved numbers. Why not be bold and get a 20-sided dice that tells people, “I appreciate the laws of probability and great journalism”.

Face it, your bandana is lacking. What does yours say about you? That you like wearing squares on your head? Maybe that you support the New Orleans Saints football team? Or perhaps that you briefly traveled to South America? This new bandana from The Onion is different. Wearing it says “I stay on top of the news,” as well as “I respect the historical context The Onion brings to its reporting.” You can also use it to keep the sweat out of your eyes, allowing you to see the admiration you’ll receive from people on the street.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for all.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for all.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
• Blank product sourced from Guatemala, Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras, or the US

Size Chart can be viewed here.

T-shirts are everywhere these days. Find out what all the fuss is about.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This hoodie has a zipper so you don't get entangled for 20 minutes pulling it over your head.

• • 8 oz. Lightweight Sponge-Fleece lined zip-up sweatshirt
  • White drawcord and zipper tape
  • Split-pouch pocket
  • 52% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton
  • 48% Polyester

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This tote bag has two sides, one for each of your moods. Yes, two moods is all you have.

-12 Oz. canvas
-squared off bottom
-22" long web handles
-20" W x 15" H x 5" D

You'll feel so cool in these, you'll have them bolted into your forehead.

Scientists have unlocked a secret that has been hidden for centuries. Stop pissing away your wealth! Sign up today for a free Appraisal Jug to see if your urine can be turned into pure American Gold! Urine must be at least one week old. Only male urine will be accepted.

Does finding a secure place to store your hard earned gold keep you up at night? Big Banks can’t be trusted and urban burglars may strike at any time. That’s why you should turn your gold into piss! It’s the ultimate way to hide gold. Just put your ingots and bars in a bucket, add urine then drop in two our patented tablets. In 24 hours, your gold will be piss! Order now and receive a free storage jug.

You don't have to be a trucker to wear this hat, but would it kill you to haul 50 tons of timber from Oregon to Chicago?

-Foam Front Mesh Back Trucker Cap
-Snap adjustable back closure

We won't make you call this a fanny pack.

-Waterproof nylon
-earphone holes
-2 zippered compartments
-12.6" L x 5.2" W

Over 1 million Americans aren’t getting enough pure oxygen, which is a necessary gas for emotional stability and vein health. These Simple Swallow™ capsules are combined with white coal and trace minerals to provide optimal absorption and full mind maximization. Just one Pure O capsule will give you enough oxygen to stop breathing for one hour. So save time and take control of your lungs with Pure O. Order today!

Are demons preventing you from liberty and happiness? It’s nothing to be ashamed of, the wicked often prey on the righteous. Demon Guard is an easy-to-wear patch that secretes holy water and minerals harvested from the Jordan River and the Sea of Galilee, guaranteeing 24-hour protection from all dark entities. Each patch is blessed by a patriotic ordained minister, so you can walk your path in divine comfort. 

Tell them who you are. Buy the pin. Be a Sicko. 

At a time when technology is advancing at a rapid pace, the fact that people still need keys and a way to keep them together is comforting. That you can also express your love and respect for The Onion’s political cartoonist Stan Kelly is merely a bonus.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women. 

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

A sturdy and warm sweatshirt bound to keep you warm in the colder months. A pre-shrunk, classic fit sweater that's made with combed ring-spun cotton for a soft feel and reduced pilling.

•80% Combed Ring-Spun Cotton
•20% Polyester

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for all.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz./yd.² (142 g/m²)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
• Blank product sourced from Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras, or the US

This product is made especially for you as soon as you place an order, which is why it takes us a bit longer to deliver it to you. Making products on demand instead of in bulk helps reduce overproduction, so thank you for making thoughtful purchasing decisions!

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
• Side-seamed

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for all.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
• Blank product sourced from Guatemala, Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras, or the US

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for all.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
• Blank product sourced from Guatemala, Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras, or the US

Size Chart can be viewed here.

Hang this piece of history. Printed locally on high quality paper milled in Wisconsin. 

Print Size: 12.5 x 16in 

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for all.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

Hang this piece of history. Printed locally on high quality paper milled in Wisconsin. 

Print Size: 12.5 x 16in 

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for all.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women. 

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women. 

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for all.

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
• Blank product sourced from Guatemala, Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras, or the US

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women. 

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women. 

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.

This t-shirt is everything you've dreamed of and more. It feels soft and lightweight, with the right amount of stretch. It's comfortable and flattering for both men and women. 

• 100% combed and ring-spun cotton (Heather colors contain polyester)
• Ash color is 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Heather colors are 52% combed and ring-spun cotton, 48% polyester
• Athletic and Black Heather are 90% combed and ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Heather Prism colors are 99% combed and ring-spun cotton, 1% polyester
• Fabric weight: 4.2 oz (142 g/m2)
• Pre-shrunk fabric
• Side-seamed construction
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping

Size Chart can be viewed here.